Welcome to The World's Most Obnoxious FAQ written by Jeff Glatt (ie, a really obnoxious guy with a grating sense of humor). This FAQ addresses what I consider to be the most annoying, frivolous, and ignorant questions all too frequently asked in the MIDI and sound card newsgroups, and gives the answers that I'd really like to give (except that I don't dare because then people would hate me even more than they already do as a result of things that I do say).

What's the difference between an AWE32 and SB32?

The amount of money that Creative Labs has gotten you to spend for a really crummy audio card.

Does anyone know of a program that converts WAVE files to MIDI?

There has been only one such program ever written. It only runs on the Commodore C-64. I believe that it was made by IBM. Call and ask them if they plan to port it to the PC.

Which platform is better for music; the IBM PC or the Macintosh?

Both have their points. The PC clone is good for setting jumpers on your sound cards, and the Mac is good for crashing your music software.

How can I get rid of the hiss on my Creative Labs Sound Blaster?

Buy a discontent rattlesnake and keep it next to the computer. You'll no longer hear the sound card's hiss.

What do I have to do to play MIDI files that I downloaded from the internet? My MIDI player doesn't seem to recognize them.

MIDI files are stored in a special, self-extracting format which takes a long time to "hatch". Just leave the files alone until they do, and you'll suddenly hear music coming from your sound card.

What's the best [insert any type of product here -- "sequencer", "sound card", "operating system", etc]?

The one that will be coming out real soon now.

Why can't I get any of my music programs to work?

Because you're hopelessly stupid.

Why can't I hear anything from my sound card?

You've gone deaf. But, at least it's not as bad as being hopelessly stupid.

How can I play MIDI files, made on a PC clone, on my Mac?

You can't. You have to buy a PC clone. The Mac won't let you readily do things that should be exceedingly simple to do, such as the above.

I want to buy a MIDI music studio this weekend, but I'm a total newbie when it comes to MIDI. I don't have any knowledge of what products are being offered, and I'm not sure what I want. What should I buy?

A very large bottle of aspirin, and an extended warranty.

Help! I need to buy a MIDI. Where do I get one?

There's only one place where a person such as yourself can get as much help as you apparently need. Dial 911.