FOR SALE: Cheap plastic yellow sunglasses once worn by the Shah of Iran during cancer radiation treatments. Excellent condition, but still glowing from the high radiation level. Good for blind children who want to glow in the dark.

WANTED: Styrofoam mannequin shaped like Bette Midler.

FOR SALE: Dead rat. Great pet for neurotic children. No need to buy expensive pet food or exercise wheel. Comes with its own little wooden casket.

WANTED: Large cooking utensil made out of cast iron or other material suitable for beating small puppies over the head.

FOR SALE: Small, portable radio. Uses 1 battery per day. Easy to flush down the toilet. Picks up AM on the FM dial and FM on the AM dial.

FOR SALE: Star Wars Lawn Mower. Star Wars patio furniture. Star Wars kidney machine.

WANTED: Back issues of "Congress Illustrated" magazine, including the special, swimsuit edition photographed by Bob Packwood.

FOR SALE: Nicotine patch. Slightly used by a former, chain-smoking nun who kicked the habit.

FOR SALE: Burl Ives' Greatest Hits. On one, extremely long-playing 45 RPM disc.